Serenity

[Serenity theme music playing]

JACK: Serenity Plaza, gated community. Outside the ring road, beyond the traffic lights, and then second left after the 24-hour garage, you can't miss it! Fighting the weeds in our gardens on behalf of the Best Front Lawn of the Month Award. The 21st century is when everything, hopefully, stays exactly the same. And that's just the way we like it. Anybody want a blueberry muffin?

[A car approaches and then stops. Chatter in the background. The car door opens.]

JACK: Ooh boy, it sure is good to be home. Evening, Bob!

BOB: Evening, Ken!

JACK: Evening, Mary!

MARY: Evening, Ken! Beautiful day, isn't it?

JACK: Oh, it certainly is, but not half as beautiful as your hair today, how do you do it?

MARY: (giggles) Oh, you charmer!

JACK: Guilty as charged!

BOB: Front lawn's lookin' good!

JACK: Not as good as yours! But may the best man win!

BOB: Thank you, I will!

[Jack and Bob laugh]

VANESSA: Evening, Ken.

JACK: Evening, Vanessa!

VANESSA: What’s that lovely Ifan cooking up to you tonight?

JACK: Oh, I have no idea, he likes to surprise me!

VANESSA: Uh, I bet he does.

JACK: Ok, then. (chuckles) See you around, guys!

BOB: Catch you later!

EVERYONE: Don't be a stranger!

 

[Jack opens the front door]

JACK: Uh! Honey, I'm home.

IANTO: You're a sight for sore eyes.

 

[They kiss.]

JACK: You're not so bad yourself! Hey, what's for dinner?

 

[Torchwood opening playing]

 

JACK: (sighs) Another beautiful day in Suburbia. Just like all the others. (chuckles) Morning, Bob!

BOB: Morning, Ken! Little bit of mud on the old car door there.

JACK: Oopsie, a bit of soap and water will get that right off.

BOB: Good thinking!

JACK: Morning, Mary!

MARY: Morning, Ken!

IANTO: Oh, sweetie, don't forget your lunch!

JACK: Thank you, beautiful! Are the crusts...

IANTO: Crusts cut off just the way you like 'em. Freshly squeezed orange juice, then a banana and poppy seed muffin.

JACK: Oh, it's not the only tasty muffin!

IANTO: Oh you!

JACK: (chuckles) Well, gotta rejoin the rat race, see what my co-workers have been up to.

IANTO: I'll hold down the foyer, watch some Murder, She wrote and magic up a delicious, yet nutritious meal!

JACK: How lucky am I?

IANTO: The luckiest! Now, go bring home the bacon!

JACK: Love you!

IANTO: Love you mooore! What a great place we live in!

JACK: Such a great place! See you tonight, honey!

IANTO: Not if I see you first!

[Jack walks out]

 

[Serenity theme music playing]

[Jack's car stops]

JACK: UUH! Home sweet home again! Evening, Bob!

BOB: Evening, Ken!

JACK: Evening, Mary!

MARY: Evening, Ken!

BOB: Didn’t manage to get that mud off the car, right?

JACK: Oh no, not yet, it's top of my list, though.

BOB: I'm just looking out for you. The residents all vote for the Best Lawn of the Month Award this week. It all counts, wouldn’t want you to lose your chance!

JACK: We certainly wouldn't want that!

BOB: After all, I want to beat you fair and square!

(Jack and Bob laugh)

JACK: Oh, Bob you are a card, such a massive card!

BOB: I try my best! Catch you later!

EVERYONE: Don't be a stranger!

[Jack opens the front door]

JACK: UUH! Honey, I'm home!

IANTO: You're a sight for sore eyes!

[They kiss.]

JACK: (chuckles) You're not so bad yourself! Hey, what's for dinner?

[Serenity theme music playing]

(Ianto opens up a wine bottle and pours it)

IANTO: This evening we shall be enjoying ravioli, made from homemade pasta, ricotta and spinach from the garden.

JACK: Uhuh!

 

IANTO: Partnered with a cheeky Pinot grigio.

JACK: Homemade pasta!

IANTO: I thought I'd give my new pasta roller a try! It’s adjustable, fifteen different settings.

JACK: Ah!

IANTO: Cheers!

JACK: Cheers!

(They drink the wine.)

JACK: Uh, you're right, that is very cheeky, almost as cheeky as you!

IANTO: Never! How was work?

JACK: Ah, another perfectly ordinary, perfectly fine day in the department store. Honey, how was your day?

IANTO: The usual, a little bit boring, buut boring is good, boring is safe, and then you come home and everything is ...

JACK: Boring?

IANTO: ... Everything I've ever wanted.

JACK: Aaww.

[Sounds of water boiling]

 

JACK: Honey? I think you're boiling over...

IANTO: You're not wrong.

JACK: Uh, no, I mean your ravioli...

IANTO: I'll turn it down.

 

IANTO: So, tell me about the rest of your day.

JACK: (sighs) Look at that view. Mh. Ok, they've all gone indoors.

IANTO: Thank God for that. I can only talk like a Stepford wife for so long.

JACK: What have you found out?

IANTO: Nothing. I still have no idea which one of them is the Sleeper.

[Torchwood theme music]

JACK: There has to be something.

IANTO: What would you want me to do? Go around to everyone and say: "Hey, how's it going, love your house, nice weather we're having! Oh, and, by the way, are you an alien Sleeper from Cell 114, plannin' on taking over the Earth? Sorry to be a pain, it's just we're not really Ken and Ifan from Newport, we're actually Jack and Ianto from Torchwood, undercover wearin’ perception filters. We tracked this signal to the estate satellite dish and we're trying to figure out which one of you is the Sleeper! But it's taking a while and my boyfriend is getting bored, so if the Sleeper could just raise their hands so we could get this over with, that would be absolutely peachy".

JACK: Boyfriend?

IANTO: Oh, shut up. The Sleeper isn't gonna give

themselves away by accident, are they? They won't that they're alien. They’ll have a whole life of fake human memories. If it's Bob even Mary won't know!

JACK: No, no, I don't think it's Bob.

IANTO: No, well, of course not, it's obviously Vanessa from

number 12.

JACK: Uuh, what? Why?

IANTO: Because she's weird. She's worse than you. Every single word is a double, triple, or quadruple entendre. It's like living in a Carry-on film! I had no idea the middle classes were so filthy!

JACK: Oh, they're always the weirdest ones, trust me!

Anyway, it can't be her, she's gotta be seventy years old!

IANTO: Exactly. It's always the ones you least suspect.

JACK: Have you been binge-watching Murder, She wrote again?

IANTO: Of course, nothing else on during the day.

JACK: Come on, admit it: It’s kinda fun being someone else, I mean, having a normal life (chuckles), white picket fences, you know, the whole thing.

IANTO: It’s not real. None of it’s real.

JACK: What about your name? If none of it’s real, why did you choose the name Ifan?

IANTO: It’s a variant of Ianto.

JACK: Yeah, so why not pick something different? If it’s so different to the real you?

IANTO: I was in a hurry. You can talk ... Ken.

JACK: Hey, what’s wrong with Ken?

IANTO: It means “handsome”. You actually searched for a name that meant “good-looking”, didn’t you?

JACK: ... Maybe?

IANTO: You should have chosen Geraint.

JACK: Good name! What does it mean?

IANTO: Old.

JACK: Watch it!

IANTO: Uh, the pasta’s ready.

 

JACK: Uh, boyfriend.

(Ianto chuckles)

 

[Serenity theme music playing]

[Alarm rings]

ALARM: 8 am. Today’s appointments: car wash day; good morning Ken and Ifan, it’s time to wake up!

IANTO: (stops alarm) Why did we think this alarm clock was a good idea?

JACK: I think it’s great! Also, because all the other neighbours have them.

IANTO: Don’t want to stick out, do we?

JACK: Have to keep up with the Joneses, Mr. Jones.

IANTO: Of course we do.

(Jack hums)

 

[Torchwood theme music]

(sounds of plates being washed)

IANTO: You know, it wouldn’t kill you to do the washing-up once in a while.

JACK: I did it yesterday!

 

IANTO: No, that was me, same as every day since we've been here. You rinsing one coffee mug doesn't count. And you left the toilet seat up again.

JACK: Why do you care about the toilet seat, we're both men.

IANTO: It just looks better.

JACK: (hums in disagreement)

IANTO: Well, it does!

JACK: (sighs) Look, I had no idea you were so house-proud.

IANTO: I am not! Could you be a bit tidier, that's all!

JACK: Duly noted. Listen, I'm gonna head to shower.

IANTO: Uh, don't use the blue towels, they're just for pretty!

JACK: (sighs)

 

[Doorbell rings]

IANTO: Oh, hi Bob, hi Mary!

MARY: Hello you!

BOB: Sorry to pop over unannounced. We made some cupcakes last night and did too many. Thought you and Ken might like some.

 

IANTO: That's lovely, how cute!

MARY: Probably not up to your standard. Sorry I didn't use your cakes at the barbecue last week. Terry's got that nut allergy and we couldn't risk leaving them out.

IANTO: No, that's totally fine. My fault, thoughtless.

MARY: They looked great though, that's a real skill you can pass on in the future.

IANTO: In the future?

MARY: Kids! Oh, sorry, that's a bit presumptuous. Are you both thinking of having kids, one day?

IANTO: Oh, well, it hasn't really come up yet. Still plenty of time. But yeah, probably, kids are brilliant, mad but brilliant. How about you two? I suppose you're gonna have the perfect 2.4 children? Probably checking school league tables already?

MARY: We'd love to, but we can't. Had all the tests, just unlucky.

IANTO: Oh, I'm so sorry.

BOB: It's nobody's fault. Sometimes it just doesn't happen, for no reason. We are very lucky in lots of other ways. Can't complain.

MARY: We can always adopt, at some point. Give someone a home who hasn't got one. We've already got the nursery. Built it all back when we thought we could. Well, you know...

IANTO: One day...

MARY: (nervously) It's fine! We're fine! But hey, maybe we'll all adopt at the same time! We can set up a playdate.

IANTO: That sounds great!

BOB: I mean, you’ll probably get first dibs on adoption. They do like to be modern, don't they?

IANTO: I ... suppose they do?

BOB: Anyway, enjoy the cakes. Oh, keep an eye on your daffodils, got some droopy ones. Although I shouldn't be telling you that, you might win Best Lawn!

IANTO: Yeah, well, we all know who wins every month, don't we?

BOB: You never know. See you around!

 

JACK: Who was that?

IANTO: Bob and Mary. Brought us cakes.

JACK: Oh yeah? What did they really want?

IANTO: Nothing. Leaving aside all the petty competing over lawns and stuff. I think they're just nice people. Forgotten they still exist.

JACK: (chuckles) We'll see. (sighs) Ok, better get the car cleaned or we'll never hear the end of it. Are you ready to soap up?

IANTO: When am I not?

JACK: (chuckles)

 

JACK: Hey Joe, hey Diane!

JOE AND DIANE: Hey Ken! Hey Ifan! Beautiful day!

JACK: It is!

IANTO: It's definitely not Bob or Mary. I'm starting to wonder if there's actually a Sleeper here at all. We’ve been doing this for ages now and nothing! Coffee mornings, bakes sales, jumbo sales? It's endless! Not to mention the bloody Best Front Lawn of the Month Award, which seems to be the Bob And Mary Win Bloody Everything Award ...

JACK: Hey, there has to be something here. This is where the signals are being sent. Every signal is focused on this estate.

IANTO: But there's no trace of Cell 114 technology anywhere.

JACK: (sighs)

 

IANTO: Maybe we're just wrong this time.

JACK: We're not! One of these people is an alien. We're gonna figure out who it is and hit them with the Subetheric Resonator.

IANTO: Do we really have to use that? Melting someone’s bones while they're still alive? It's a bit... inhumane.

JACK: So is the genocide of the human race. Besides, it's the only way to get past their force field. Why did you think it's not Bob or Mary?

IANTO: Too much backstory. Why make their human personas want kids if they can't have them?

JACK: Maybe the cover identity is not functioning.

IANTO: Why are you so desperate to believe that someone here is an alien?

JACK: Why are you so desperate to believe they're not?

IANTO: (shouting) Because I'm sick of this place!

JACK: Uoh, uoh uoh! I thought you liked it here! Where did that come from?

IANTO: The relentless mind-numbing repetition of every single day here? (raising his voice) Which you get to skip from dawn to dusk because, hey, somebody has to check in with the team.

 

JACK: (low) Hey, hey, hey, keep your voice down!

IANTO: (shouting) I’ll do what I like! You're not the boss of me.

JACK: Well, I kinda am.

IANTO: You know what I mean.

VANESSA: Hello boys!

IANTO: Ah, great! (faking enthusiasm) Vanessa! Hi!

VANESSA: I hope I didn't see you arguing. Trouble in paradise?

IANTO: Noo, it's fine! Apparently, I'm just wrong about everything!

JACK: (laughs nervously) That's not what I was saying!

IANTO: I think it's perfectly clear what you were saying!

VANESSA: Now stop that! The pair of you! Right now! Look at you two! So beautiful! So happy together! And you never know how long it will last...

JACK: (laughs nervously)

VANESSA: Do you know I was married before? No... because you never asked. My lovely Toby, dropped down dead, two weeks after he retired. I'd give anything to have him back, have that time again... Life is so horribly short. So, don't you two bloody dare waste any time arguing over nothing. Do you hear me?

JACK: Yes, Vanessa.

VANESSA: Good. I'm keeping my eye on you, you lovely

boys.

JACK: Bye, Vanessa!

IANTO: Bye, Vanessa.

JACK: I'm sorry, I know it's frustrating, but (sighs) we have to finish checking the place out. I really thought you’d like it here.

IANTO: I do... sort of. It's just a bit... (sighs) you know... can we at least do it more quickly?

JACK: Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

IANTO: I'm trying to think. Mh, Bob was right. Those daffodils are a bit droopy.

JACK: Oh, the shame! How we're gonna show our faces at the next residential meeting?

IANTO: I know, I've never been so embarrassed in my entire life. We've let ourselves down, we've let the neighbours down, we've let the whole community down!

(They laugh)

JACK: We'll get through this, we will.

 

IANTO: I know. Together we can do anything. Now, get back to washing the car, I want that shirt off in the next two minutes.

 

[Doorbell rings]

IANTO: (wakes up) What the hell? What time is it?

JACK: 9 a.m. It's Saturday. Too early for the postman.

IANTO: Oh, you don't think we’ve been found out?

[Doorbell rings again]

JACK: Well ... (sighs) Play it cool. You know what to do if we have to run.

[Doorbell rings insistently. Jack opens the door]

EVERYONE: (clapping) HEY!

JACK: Oh, hey! Everyone!

IANTO: Did ... we miss something? Did we miss something?

BOB: On behalf of everyone at Serenity Plaza, it gives me great pleasure to present to you the Best Front Lawn of the Month Award!

[Everyone cheers]

IANTO: Really? Absolutely!

JACK: Hey!

 

BOB: Very well deserved, too!

MARY: Yes, about time someone other than us won it. We can't win all the time. (chuckles)

BOB: Yes, it takes all sorts, eh? Every garden is different. (chuckles) Nice to see the committee rewarding some out of the box choices for once. They don't always go for something so... flamboyant. It's not how I do mine, but hey! If we were all the same, life would be very boring.

IANTO: (chuckles) Wouldn't it just?

BOB: Here's your certificate, and your bottle of wine. Enjoy!

IANTO: I certainly will. I think I'll get the certificate framed.

MARY: We can recommend a great place, they do all of ours, we've got so many now!

IANTO: (laughs) Not this month, you haven't!

BOB: Well, best leave you to it. See you at the barbecue tomorrow?

JACK: We wouldn't miss it for the world! It's the highlight of our week!

IANTO: The highlight of every week! Every. Single. Week!

BOB: Catch you later!

 

EVERYONE: (clapping) Don't be a stranger!

 

IANTO: Did you see their faces? Victory tastes so good!

JACK: I didn't know you cared so much about the Best Front Lawn of the Month Award.

IANTO: I don't. I care about Bob and Mary not winning. Everyday we've been here and managed to drop it into every conversation and now they can't.

JACK: Until next month.

IANTO: We better not be still here next month or I’ll go on a killing spree with a lawnmower. I’ll be on forensic files, they'll say: "I seem like such a nice quiet man, kept himself to himself."

JACK: You really got off this place, haven't you?

IANTO: I was never on it. You think it's cute and fun because you're not here during the day for all the petty mind games.

JACK: I thought you said they were "just nice people".

IANTO: I take it back. They’ve worn out their welcome. Mh, this looks like quite a good wine. Let’s have a little party tonight, just you and me? Celebrate?

JACK: Sounds good. But we can't drink too much, we have to stay sharp for tomorrow, we don't want to get caught up.

IANTO: Oh, don't worry about it. I don't get hangovers.

[theme music playing]

ALARM: Good morning, Ken and Ifan! It's time to wak...

IANTO: Good God! (turns off alarm) My head!

JACK: Oh, I don't get hangovers!

IANTO: Somebody must have spiked the wine.

JACK: Which one? The first bottle or your third? New rule: If you can't pronounce Sauvignon, you’ve had enough to drink.

IANTO: Please, stop talking so loudly.

JACK: Ooh, have you got a hangover? Hey, I know a song about hangovers, do you wanna hear it? It goes a little something like this: "LALALALALALALALALA (blows a raspberry) LA!".

IANTO: I hate you.

 

(Ianto closes the front door)

IANTO: Another Sunday, another barbecue. Another day of my life I’ll never get back.

 

JACK: Come on, it's the only chance we have to search the houses.

IANTO: I know, I just feel my brain turning to mush with every week that goes by.

JACK: Just a few more houses to go, I've got the scanner.

IANTO: And I've got the kebabs.

JACK: The what?

IANTO: The spiced Peshwari lamb kebabs, the barbecue. Everyone has to bring something. They’ve been marinating all night. Ah, speaking of marinating all night ... (faking enthusiasm) Hello, Vanessa!

VANESSA: Hello my darling boys! I’ve made some cocktails for the barbecue, if you fancy a sip of something Fiji.

IANTO: How could the day get any better?

VANESSA: Wait till you see my Tajine.

IANTO: (low) That’s not how it’s pronounced.

JACK: Erm, shall we go darling?

VANESSA: Oh, absolutely! Uh, Ifan, your kebabs smell nice.

IANTO: Erm, thank you?

 

[Chatter in the background]

 

BOB: Thank you all so much for coming! It's great to see so many friendly faces!

VANESSA: Fun day!

[All laughs]

Bob: And lovely to welcome the latest winners of the Best Front Lawn of the Month Award, Ken and Ifan!

[Neighbours clapping]

IANTO: (muttering) Haha. Oh, God...

JACK: (whispering) Just keep smiling.

IANTO: (muttering) I am smiling, I’ve been smiling since we moved here. My face hurts from smiling. If we ever get out of this, you’re gonna have to pry the smile off my face with a crowbar.

BOB: Always good to mix it up and have a new winner now and again. Can't always be our front lawn, can it? Good to see some unusual choices rewarded. I know it's not to everyone’s taste, so hey, good for you!

IANTO: Hehe, you're not to my taste either, believe me.

JACK: (shushing)

BOB: A toast, to Ken and Ifan.

EVERYONE: (cheering) To Ken and Ifan!

 

JACK: Thank you! Wonderful!

IANTO: (very quiet) Oh, kill me, kill me right now. (louder) Thank you, thank you, oh so much!

JACK: Hey, it's not about winning or losing, it's the taking part that counts!

IANTO: But the winning is great too! (chuckles)

JACK: It's been a joy getting to know all of you these past few weeks, and I hope we get to know you even better! I wanna know every. Single. Detail.

IANTO: Vanessa won’t let that go without a joke.

VANESSA: You can come and inspect me anytime.

JACK: (laughs)

IANTO: Here it is!

BOB: Anyway, everyone, have fun! Have some food, plenty of drinks in the cooler, you know where everything is. Catch you later!

EVERYONE: Don't be a stranger!

JACK: (laughs then exhales)

MARY: Hello, you two! Having a good time?

IANTO: Ooh, hey! Aren’t we? I mean, what can I say?

JACK: This is great, really great, thank you!

 

MARY: I'm so sorry about your kebabs!

IANTO: Sorry? Why?

MARY: The marinade has cream in it. Gaynor cannot have any dairy...

IANTO: Of course she can't!

MARY: I couldn’t leave them out, just in case! (whispers) Sorry! You don't have much luck with bringing food to our house, do you? Seems like there's always something.

IANTO: Yeah, there always is, isn't there?

MARY: I know, why you’re here.

JACK: You do?

MARY: Everyone knows...

JACK: Oh?

MARY: It's obvious, really. You fancy Bob?

JACK: (stutters) Wha...? Excuse me, what now?

MARY: Oh, everyone's noticed. Ken, you can't pretend you

don't.

JACK: I really don't!

IANTO: Oh, come on, own up! You’re always sayin’ how handsome he is!

 

JACK: What?

IANTO: "Bob's lookin' good today, Bob's out cuttin' his grass again!" and then "Bob takes care of himself, doesn't

he?"

MARY: (chuckles amusingly)

JACK: I didn’t say any of those things!

MARY: It's fine! I know you respect us too much to try anything. I don't mind. And Bob's quite flattered to be honest. Maybe a bit curious, though he’d never admit to it.

JACK: Oh man, wow.

MARY: A little crush never hurt anyone, did it?

(Jack and Ianto laugh)

IANTO: Of course not. See? I told you he wouldn't mind, it's a bit of fun, eh? Your little crush.

JACK: ... Right?

MARY: Exactly! Same way, it's fine, I've got a little crush on you ... Ifan.

IANTO: Eh?

MARY: You are gorgeous, aren't you? And I've seen you giving me the eye ...

IANTO: No, no I ...

 

JACK: Don't try to deny it. (in a Welsh accent) "That Mary is a bit of a one! Uh, Mary's got a new outfit!" Honestly, he never stops!

MARY: (laughs) Listen to us! Quite a little love triangle, eh? Wait, there's four of us ... love square! Love rectangle!

IANTO: Ohoh, I need another drink!

JACK: Make that two drinks.

MARY: Anyway, I better get back to the other guests, a mingler's work is never done. (annoyed) See you later.

JACK: ...Bye bye!

IANTO: And I just vomited into my brain.

JACK: Told you, middle class suburbanites, the filthiest of all.

IANTO: This is funny?

JACK: It's hilarious! I'm half-tempted to make a pass at Bob and see what happens!

IANTO: I would murder you so much you'd stay dead.

JACK: Oh, come on! They're all talk! If we'd call their bluff, they'd run a mile.

IANTO: You watch! Any minute now they'll turn into sex fiends and have a big orgy. No whipped cream, though, Gaynor can't have bloody dairy! Terry will have to skip it altogether, you can't have an orgy if you've got a nut allergy.

JACK: (chuckling) You're still angry about the kebabs, aren't you?

IANTO: Yes, I bloody well am! Can we go looking for the alien psychopath now, please?

 

[Jack and Ianto walking]

JACK: That's weird. The satellite dish isn't transmitting very far. Just in and around the estate. It's gone for receiving, what are they up to?

IANTO: So... if they did have a sex party, would you go if I wasn't here?

JACK: What? Of course not.

IANTO: (dubious) Ha ha.

JACK: I mean ... Well ... I might have a look.

IANTO: A look?

JACK: Just to see! I wouldn't join in.

IANTO: (sarcastic) That's a relief, I feel so much better.

JACK: It bothers you that much?

 

IANTO: No! Don’t care. Do what you want.

JACK: I'm not seeing anyone else. Just you. I'm not a saint but I'm not that bad.

IANTO: You are very ugly, though.

JACK: (chuckles) Yeah, well, you can't get enough of this ugly mug.

IANTO: Oh, I can.

JACK: ...Boyfriend.

IANTO: You know, we didn't have to go undercover like this. There must have been a simpler way to figure out who the Sleeper is. I think you just wanted to give this life a go.

JACK: I have no idea of what you're talking about.

IANTO: You bloody do! You've actually been enjoying this.

JACK: I have to admit, I did wonder what it would be like, but... that's not what I’d hoped.

IANTO: Real life never is...

 

[Torchwood theme music]

[Sounds of a door opening and then closing. Jack and Ianto

whisper.]

IANTO: Vanessa's house. Why am I expecting to find another skeleton in her rocking chair. JACK: I think she's very charming.

IANTO: You'd think an alligator was charming if it put on sexy underwear!

JACK: (scoffs) You heard her, she's been through a lot. So what if she flirts a bit?

IANTO: A bit? No trace of Cell 114 technology. Not here, not anywhere.

JACK: Well, we have to search the place.

IANTO: Quickly, before Vanessa gets back off her face on snowballs and looking for a bit of no-strings fun.

JACK: I bet you're just a little bit curious?

IANTO: Not in the slightest, thank you. Keep moving, chop, chop.

 

[Jack and Ianto close Vanessa's door]

IANTO: Maybe we're barking up the wrong tree altogether.

JACK: Last time we met Cell 114, when the Sleepers died, they all sent the same signal to the satellite dish. There has to be more to it. It feels like we're just wandering around in the dark. Come on, let's check the last house.

IANTO: Bob and Mary's? Can't be them, there's a cover identity and then there's deep, deep cover.

 

JACK: We have to go in and check.

IANTO: Everybody is still in the garden, they'll see us!

JACK: Yeah? So? We can pretend we're sneakin' off to the bedroom for a bit of ... (chuckles) how's your father?

IANTO: Don't. They’ll wanna join in.

 

[Jack and Ianto break into Bob and Mary's house]

JACK: Ok. So far, so normal.

IANTO: Well, normal for these people.

JACK: No trace of Cell 114 but plenty of pop’s terrible aftershave. (opens a door) Oh, that is terrifying!

IANTO: (frantic) What? Have you found alien tech?

JACK: No, a huge model railway. This must have taken years to build. I mean, who has that sort of patience? Apart from serial killers.

IANTO: A model railway? That's the depth of depravity so far?

JACK: Looks like it.

IANTO: Oi, oi!

JACK: What's this?

IANTO: Weed killer. Guaranteed results. I don't believe it, the cheating bastards! So that's how they keep winning the Best Front Lawn of the Month Award.

JACK: Cheating? How's it cheating?

IANTO: Using any kind of chemical weed killer isn't allowed, it's strictly forbidden. You have to remove the weeds by hand, it's a blatant breach of the rules! It goes against everything the Best Front Lawn Contest stands for!

JACK: (sighs)

IANTO: Listen to me... I've turned into one of them.

JACK: No, hey, rules are rules. Oh, you are right!

IANTO: Ok, I've officially had enough. Can we leave now? Back to the Hub? Back to Jack and Ianto? Back to where we are the weird ones?

JACK: What about the Sleeper cells? The invasion?

IANTO: I'm sure planet Earth can take care of itself. It's not our job to protect it from every alien that comes along.

JACK: Uh, it is totally our job?

IANTO: I know! But this? We’ve been here for weeks! Weeks! I don't know how many more barbecues I can take! I’ve forgotten how to be normal! How do they stand it? Going through their lives every day, without tearing their hair out in frustration. I used to think we were the strong ones. Turns out ordinary Joe and Jenny Public are the strongest ones of all.

JACK: And that's why we have to keep going, for Joe and Jenny Public, to keep them safe!

IANTO: Yes, but how long can we keep coming up empty (gasps)...

JACK: (whispers) What?

IANTO: Where's the utility room?

JACK: Next to the kitchen.

IANTO: Yeah, yeah, alright smartass, I mean, where is the door to the utility room?

JACK: The same place it is in all of the houses, they're exactly the same! Right next to the... oh!

IANTO: Yep.

JACK: Oh. It's gotta be here somewhere.

[Jack and Ianto search for the door, knocking on the wall]

IANTO: Hello... I can feel the edges of the door, but I can't see it.

JACK: Oh... that's clever.

IANTO: Perception filter.

JACK: It's way more advanced than ours. This isn't Cell 114 tech, they've stolen it from somewhere else!

IANTO: That's why we couldn't detect it. Let me recalibrate the scanner to scan for this technology.

JACK: Uoh!

IANTO: Yeah. There's a ton of it. Whatever it is, it's all here. Naughty Bob.

JACK: Or Mary. It could be either one.

[They search for more tech]

 

JACK: Here we go, Sleeper cell mission controlled.

IANTO: They've got feed from several other prototype satellite dishes. This is the core of their operation. What are they up to this time?

JACK: Check this out. They knew we'd anticipate another all-out attack, so they changed their approach.

IANTO: More stolen technology. The dishes are sending out a signal that alters molecular structure. They’re converting human beings into Sleepers. It turns the real human memories into a cover persona. And implants the stored consciousness of an alien underneath.

JACK: Anyone who lives close enough to the newbuilt estate gets converted. Ah, some of these dishes are next to military bases. They don't have to fire a single shot. They can just take over while we're all sleeping.

IANTO: We ... we've been here for a while. We might've been affected already, how long does the process take?

JACK: I don't know. Would we even know if it had happened? Wouldn't we keep our memories until we...

activated?

IANTO: I don't know. I'm still me, though. I'm pretty sure I'm still me... aren't I?

JACK: Well, I hope we both are.

IANTO: We gotta stop 'em. If we don't, nobody will ever know the planet is being taken over until it's too late.

[Torchwood theme music]

 

[back at the barbecue; chatter in the background]

JACK: They're not here. Hey! Has anyone seen Bob and Mary?

JOE: Not for a while. I think they went to the shop.

JACK: Oh. Now, who's up for a spit-roast?

 

EVERYONE: (laughs)

IANTO: Come on! Enough with the meat-based sex jokes! What is the matter with you people? You've gone no two minutes without saying sausage this, spit-roast that, pork the other! It's enough to make me a vegetarian! It's exhausting! Give it a rest, will you? For the love of God, give. It. A. Rest!

JACK: I meant an actual spit-roast? For the barbecue? (takes the spit-roast) See?

IANTO: Oh. Right. Sorry.

JACK: Excuse me, we have to go now, thank you so very much, carry on and enjoy the spit roast, we are leaving. Now!

[They leave]

 

JACK: (laughs) Spit-roast? You thought it meant... (laughs)

That is hilarious!

IANTO: Shut your face.

JACK: How long has that speech been building up?

IANTO: Quite a while!

JACK: (laughs, then clears his throat)

 

VANESSA: My boys! You're not leaving the party already, are you?

IANTO: ...God.

VANESSA: Don’t worry about them. We can have much more fun together. I liberated a couple of bottles from the barbecue. Why don't we pop over to mine for a private party?

JACK: Vanessa, darling, that sounds lovely, but we're kind of in a hurry. Have you seen Bob and Mary anywhere?

VANESSA: Are they not at the party?

IANTO: Nope, and nobody knows where they've gone.

VANESSA: Why do you want to speak to them so urgently?

JACK: It's important. What time did you last see them?

VANESSA: I'm not sure, I've had a few drinks. You could just wait at mine. I'm sure they'll be back sooner or later.

IANTO: We can't wait that long.

VANESSA: Why not?

IANTO: We just really need to talk to them. Alone.

VANESSA: Lovely boys! Why are you so nervous?

IANTO: We're not nervous.

VANESSA: You are. Something's wrong. Something's wrong and you're not telling me. Oh? Oh! What's happening? (tearing sounds) I don't feel... I don’t feel... (in a monotone voice) Who are you? And what do you want?

JACK: Wait, you're the Sleeper? That's why there was a perception filter in Bob and Mary's house! You didn't want them to know there was anything there! And if we found it, it would draw suspicion away from you!

VANESSA: I said, who are you and what do you want?

IANTO: I told you it was Vanessa.

VANESSA: I will ask you one more time and then I will hurt you until you tell me: Who are you and what do you want?

BOB: Hey guys! What are all you doing here? The party is back there!

MARY: Yeah, come back and have another drink.

JACK: Keep back, just keep away from her.

BOB: Who? Vanessa? Why? Oh blimey! Have you hurt your arm? Looks like you burned it! Were you trying to have a go on the barbecue again?

VANESSA: Go back into your houses.

MARY: Have you had a bit too much to drink, love?

JACK: Keep away from her, she's not Vanessa, she's a Sleeper Agent from Cell 114.

 

MARY: She's a what?

IANTO: A stabby arm alien.

BOB: Oh, come on! There's no such thing as aliens! (Vanessa's arm tears) UH?

IANTO: And that would be the stabby arm I mentioned.

VANESSA: Tell me who you are and what you want.

MARY: This is crazy, Vanessa, what are you playing at?

VANESSA: If you won't tell me, I'll have to dispose of you.

JACK: Oh, come on, really? There's one of you? We're Torchwood, check your files! You know how this went down before.

VANESSA: Thank you. Now we know who we are disposing of.

JACK: We? Wait, wait, who is we?

(tearing sounds from Bob)

MARY: Bob! Bob! What's happening to your arm? Bob?

BOB: I don't know, somebody help me! It hurts!

MARY: Bob?

JACK: Bob's a Sleeper, too?

MARY: What? Bob? What's happening to you?

 

BOB: (in a monotone voice) Why haven't your Cell Protection Protocols activated yet, Mary?

MARY: Why are you talking all weird?

IANTO: It's both of them.

BOB: You must activate.

MARY: I'm not activating, whatever that means. What's up with him? Bob, it's Mary! Your wife! We've been married for six years!

BOB: No, that is no longer the truth. We are Cell 114.

MARY: Bob, why are you saying these horrible things? Is it because I wanted that Justin Timberlake calendar? I knew you were upset about it!

BOB: This is all a lie. You are a lie.

MARY: Stop this horrible game, I don’t like it.

IANTO: You clearly have a lot to talk about.

JACK: Shall we leave you to it?

VANESSA: Stay exactly where you are.

BOB: There is nothing to discuss.

MARY: There bloody is. I'm not going to let this one go.

BOB: You never do. Always talking. You are unbearable.

 

MARY: You complete and total... shithead. Are you drunk?

BOB: I wish I was. Activate.

(tearing sounds from Mary's arm)

MARY: (frightened) Oh God! My arm! What's happening?

JACK: Stay with us, Mary. Stay human, stay who you are.

BOB: You're not human.

VANESSA: You are Cell 114.

MARY: (crying) Please, help me! Stop this.

IANTO: Don't let it take you over.

MARY: (in pain) I can't. I can't stop.

BOB: You're pathetic. Clinging to your dream of a normal life in this idiotic place. We are soldiers now! We have purpose.

MARY: No! No, I'm not! I don't want to change!

BOB: You're not changing. You're returning to who you really are.

MARY: NOOOOO.

BOB: Well?

MARY: I'm fine, now.

VANESSA: Good. Take these two. Find out what they know.

IANTO: You're not taking us anywhere.

 

VANESSA: You cannot stop us. Nobody can.

JACK: Yeah, right, you and whose army?

VANESSA: We are all soldiers. Together.

JACK: Ianto, move!

[Jack fights the Sleepers. Ianto runs.]

IANTO: JACK!

JACK: No! Just go, Ianto! Get to safety!

[Torchwood theme music]

IANTO: (hiding) Jack ...

[Sounds of Jack fighting the Sleepers]

VANESSA: (in the background, to Jack) He can't go anywhere. Leave him in there for now. We must change a world. Take this one and lock him up.

JACK: (muffles) We'll stop you! (Vanessa knocks him out)

IANTO: (panting) I'll find you, Jack. Hold on, just hold on.

 

MARY: We can't just leave him in there.

VANESSA: We're not wasting any more time on him. He can’t hurt us locked away in there.

MARY: We should just kill this one.

 

BOB: We need to find out what else they know, and it'll stop the other one running away. That is their biggest weakness, their emotional connection. It's why they'll never win.

 

IANTO: (panting, opening shelves) Value vodka. At least their fake human identities are thrifty. That's sort of confident, in a weird way (pours vodka then drinks it). Uh, that tastes so reasonably priced. Sleeper army in a gated community. I suppose it's kind of a relief to find out that they're all genocidal alien psychopaths. If we don't get out of this, they'll just keep converting everyone. Downside? The extinction of the human race. Upside? No more Louis choice week on X-Factor. I've got a backup plan. But it doesn't really work if I'm by myself. What would Jack do?

He’d march into battle, swish his big coat around and say something outrageous and shoot everyone. Which doesn't work as often as he thinks. (sighs) But that never stops him. He’d do it anyway, despite the odds. Oh well, here goes nothing. (hums to himself) For tonight’s dinner we shall be enjoying an improvised explosive device made from an alarm clock, cleaning products, and garden fertiliser partnered with a cheeky can of petrol. (pours a drink then drinks it) Uh, that really is terrible. Bloody aliens: no taste.

 

IANTO: Right then. All or nothing. Do or die. (opens door). Shittin’ hell!

JACK: Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.

IANTO: You didn't scare me, I just wasn’t expecting to see you.

JACK: I didn't scare you, so what was that noise you made?

IANTO: What noise?

JACK: Sort of a "yelp!"

IANTO: I did not yelp.

JACK: Definitely a yelp.

IANTO: It was a ... victory yelp.

JACK: (sarcastic) Ha ha.

IANTO: Anyway. What the hell are you doing here? I was just about to go running into danger! By myself! To save you!

JACK: Aw, my dashing hero!

IANTO: Glad I didn't bother now. What happened?

JACK: Well, I managed to sneak out. As long as we're out of their way, they don't need to watch us.

IANTO: Well, that's a bit insulting. We're totally dangerous.

JACK: It doesn't matter! They're activating the next phase of their plan. They're desperate! This is their last chance. Their own planet has died, they’ve stripped it of resources, they need a permanent home. They need Earth!

IANTO: If we can get to the Subetheric Resonator in the car then we can stop this.

JACK: So let's fight our way out!

IANTO: With what? We can't fight off an army of Sleepers aliens with a casserole dish and a butler’s friend.

JACK: Could we activate the Resonator remotely?

IANTO: We could... And the community signal jammer would keep it confined to the street... buuut... it would kill us too. It melts bone. All bone. Yours will be back... probably.

JACK: (sighs) Maybe that's what we have to do. Maybe that's all we can do. Sacrifice ourselves to save the world. Is there any other way to stop them?

IANTO: Maybe, but we need to get to Bob and Mary's house first.

[They walk out.]

 

JACK: Why are we going to the most dangerous place in the street?

IANTO: We need to find a piece of the new alien technology so I can scan it. If I can recalibrate the Resonator, I can target anyone with that technology in their body. It will skip us and kill them.

JACK: That's pretty clever. Think it will work?

IANTO: Only one way to find out.

 

[Sounds of the Satellite activating the Sleepers]

IANTO: It's already starting. It's bigger than we thought. Look! They're using our own satellites against us! Coordinated by their ship in orbit. That's must be where they’re storing the alien gene signatures.

JACK: So it's not just a few estates. They are going to convert the entire human race all at the same time.

IANTO: We have to stop it. I'll scan the tech and start recalibrating.

JACK: Even if we kill the Sleepers here, this is just one cell, we won't be able to stop the global conversion! There's nothing we can do!

IANTO: You're saying we should give up?

JACK: No, of course not! I just... I don't know what to do!

IANTO: How did you get away from them, exactly?

JACK: Well, you know, me, some charms, some smarts, (chuckles) a well-placed punch.

IANTO: No, how exactly?

JACK: What are you saying?

IANTO: How do I know you're really the real Jack Harkness?

JACK: Oh, come on! Don't be ridiculous! Of course it's me, look at this chin!

IANTO: The real Jack would have more of a plan.

JACK: Give me a break, I just can't think of anything right this second, that's all! I'm Captain Jack, not Captain InstaPlan!

IANTO: (draws gun) Back up, over there. And don't move.

JACK: Where have you been hiding that gun?

IANTO: I’m bendy.

JACK: Hey, it's really me! Ok? Why would they send a fake version?

 

IANTO: Maybe to keep me busy? Maybe the conversion signal did its job on you!

JACK: You are being paranoid, we don't have time for this!

IANTO: No, you're right, we don't have time for this.

JACK: Oh, thank you!

IANTO: (softly) Sorry.

JACK: Wait, don't!

[Ianto shoots him.]

IANTO: (panting) That... happened. Sorry... Please be the real you. I need you here.

 

BOB: Is everyone ready?

MARY: Yes. The conversion signal is almost at full strength.

 

[Jack revives with a gasp.]

IANTO: Bloody hell! I thought you weren’t coming back this time. Don't scare me like that.

JACK: So don't shoot me in the head!

IANTO: I'm sorry, I had to be sure!

JACK: You know, you could have asked a question that only the real me would have known.

 

IANTO: Ok, in my defence, stressful situation, didn't think of that. And hey, if you were a Sleeper, you’d probably have had all of Jack's memories. Just hurry up and come back faster the next time.

JACK: The next time?

IANTO: Figure of speech.

JACK: (sighs) You nearly there with the Scanner?

IANTO: A couple of minutes.

JACK: We might not have that long.

IANTO: I'm going as fast as I can. Once it's ready, it will melt the bones of any Sleepers in the estate. It's only a temporary fix though. The global conversion will still go ahead.

JACK: It's all we can do right now. At least we’ll go down fighting.

 

[Bob and Mary pound on the door]

BOB: Let us in! You can't stop us! You're just delaying the inevitable!

JACK: (muffled, from inside the house) Go away, stabby! Your front lawn was mediocre at best.

IANTO: (shouting) Hold 'em off!

JACK: I am trying!

IANTO: I need more time!

JACK: Well, try harder because I think I’ve figured out a way to stop 'em!

IANTO: Your timing is impeccable! No wait, the opposite of that!

JACK: (grunts) If I can trigger the Resonator, then we have a chance!

IANTO: I hope so. Because they're gonna get really, really, pissed off. Right about... Now!

[The Resonator activates; sounds of explosions in the

background.]

BOB: What is happening?

MARY: They're blowing up the houses.

BOB: Yes, I can see that, thank you. But how?

MARY: Some sort of explosive device.

BOB: You've been a great help today. (To Jack and Ianto) Open this door! Now!

[Bob and Mary keep pounding on the door]

JACK: You set all the houses to blow?

IANTO: Yes.

JACK: And you didn't tell me?

IANTO: You might have been a Sleeper. Also, drama!

IANTO: The estate has a drainage channel running through. You wrap a bottle in a towel and let it slip down, it blocks the end. So you can fill the whole thing up with petrol. The gas boilers are right over the channels and the blow back ignites them. Once the first house went up, it started setting all the others on fire. I've studied all the blueprints. Over eight hundred pages of 'em.

JACK: Wow.

IANTO: I've had a lot of time to myself. I've been setting things up day by day.

JACK: But it won't make a difference if they get through the door before the Scanner is ready.

IANTO: Keep tell me to hurry up. That’ll save time!

JACK: They're almost through!

IANTO: Hold on! There. It's ready!

BOB: Stop!

JACK: Now!

[Mary screams and boils, then dies.]

IANTO: I'm sorry Mary. Oh, that is disgusting!

 

JACK: They're still alive!

IANTO: Not for long.

JACK: Ok Bob, call this off. Contact the rest of your people, tell them to move on, otherwise I'll use your satellite uplink to transmit this weapon all over the world, to your ship in orbit, your last ship, filled with the gene signature of your people. Every single one of you will die in agony. I don't wanna do it, but I will. Or tell them to leave in peace!

BOB: We'll never stop. You are nothing to us! Nothing! You’ll just have to kill us all and live with it.

JACK: I gave you a chance, you should've taken it. Are you smiling?

BOB: (strained) Because this... all of this... it won't make a difference. It's only a matter of time before you destroy yourselves, it's in your nature. All the advances you make and still you're on a knife edge.

JACK: The human race is better than that.

BOB: (strained) No... it's not. Like Cell 114... they're aggressive and they never give up. This planet is doomed! At least, we would have made it quick!

JACK: (low) Catch you later, Bob. Don't be a stranger.

[Bob boils and dies.]

 

IANTO: Are you really gonna transmit the signal? It’ll be the

end of their species...

JACK: You heard 'em, they'll never stop! I can't just let them wipe out the human race, I have to end it!

IANTO: (preparing the signal) Here. I've linked it to the Transmitter. But if you wanna do it, you can push the button yourself. I can't have that on my conscience. Sorry.

JACK: They could've just walked away. They're making me do this. I don't really have a choice. I don't... I don't have a choice!

[Jack activates the Transmitter]

IANTO: Is that it?

JACK: (broken voice) Yeah. They're all dying. Right now. All over the world. Up in their ship. Just pushing a button. It seems so easy, easy when you don't have to see it.

IANTO: Are... you ok?

JACK: (cocky) Sure I am. The dashing hero saved the day. Defeated the evil bad guys and gets to take you home, eheh. What's not to like? (serious, sighing) I'll be fine. You?

IANTO: I'm looking forward to getting back to reality. Or as close to reality as this job lets us get. All this jolly neighbour, happy family stuff. It was never real.

JACK: Let's get the hell out of here.

 

[Loud explosion]

JACK: Well, we’ve certainly left our mark on Serenity Plaza. Nobody's winning next month's Best Front Lawn Award. (chuckles) I think I'm gonna call this "The Torchwood Makeover".

IANTO: Funny how every single house is on fire except for ours. Maybe that says something about how strong we are. In the face of all the impossible odds...

[Their house explodes]

IANTO: Oh, no, there it goes.

JACK: This is why we can't have nice things.

IANTO: Are we ever really cut out for a normal life?

JACK: I don't know. Maybe we're more like the Sleepers than we thought: We're all soldiers, we all have to keep fighting. We were living a lie, and so were they.

IANTO: Not quite the same thing, though.

JACK: No, but maybe we're so used to doing this, maybe we don't even want a normal life anymore.

IANTO: Maybe. That's kind of sad, isn't it?

 

JACK: It was fun for a while, though. White picket fences, dinner on the table when I got home... safe, reliable, regular...

IANTO: ...Boring.

JACK: Us together? That could never be boring.

IANTO: ...Boyfriend.

JACK: (laughs)

[Torchwood closing theme]